confusing thoughts

2008-11-04T00:54:00.002+08:00

I submitted my resignation letter today... because of this one stupid reason. I fell in love. again. So there goes my hard-earned career. What should I do now? Of course look for another job... but how can I? I feel like such a traitor... even looking at the job openings make me sick. What can I say? I'm a very loyal person. Whether it may be in love or work... I have no idea how to cope up with this problem... hai hai hai... so i'm sending a message to the void once again, hoping that I would be able to come up with an answer one of these days... but definitely not tonight... I can't even bear to edit my resume. :(

The Story of My Life: Summarized

2008-10-16T15:59:00.007+08:00

Up to now, I honestly do not know what clearly happened when I was young. I could remember some good memories but mostly bad ones.

Did I ever tell you about the story of my life?

I was born in Metropolitan Hospital, 4 days early, on October 9, 1985. Fateful day that was... My mom told me a story about that day. My parents were expecting me on October 13th, but as stubborn as I am now, I chose to be born earlier. My mom wanted to wait till October 13th, but the doctor told her that the baby would die if she did. So, unwilling as she was, she gave birth to me. I could even imagine her protesting to the doctor (she's as stubborn as I am) while on her way to the delivery room. Quite funny, that was. When she had an ultrasound when she was pregnant with me, the doctor concluded that I was a boy. My parents were delighted. My brother, my sister and then a baby boy?! Wow, right? Wrong. Apparently, their equipments aren't as sophisticated, because (and it was really a big surprise) I was born a girl. And in case you were wondering, yes, I AM.

I secretly thought that I was a boy, though, while growing up. My father, desperately wanting a baby boy, gave me boys' clothes and toys. Instead of those pink gowns and laces, I got jeans and shirts. Instead of getting dolls, I got toy trucks, cars, trains and, yes, a toy gun. I am now concluding that it was my dad's fault that I grew up like this. It's quite difficult for me to be suited for girls' clothes now... unfortunately.

And then, there came my early school days. Without my parents' knowledge, I was being bullied from elementary to high school. And me, being the repressed person that I was, because I didn't want to add to their troubles, kept it all to myself. (until now, of course)

There was this one incident when I was back in kindergarten, while I was blowing this plastic balloon and this grade school student popped it on my face. He just went off laughing. It probably traumatized me. Because since then, I didn't want to blow any more plastic balloons.

And then there was this time when I was playing with my friends in our "playground" (it's actually just an empty space on the ground floor of the school) and, while running (I probably already had bad eyesight back then) I slammed directly to this nail gawking out of the post. I was bleeding really bad, but I didn't realize that until my friends told me. Imagine that... I think I was 7 or 8 back then, I really can't recall.

Let's jump to my high school life, because I can't really recall everything back in my grade school days.

It was my first time to enter a big school and face so many people. It was the first day of class and I was wearing my glasses (yes, I definitely had bad eyesight since) with my head bowed down, uniform tucked in my skirt, wearing long, white socks and black leather shoes that were two years old. My classmates looked so shiny. I was really scared. But then (yes I was naive) I thought we could all be friends, too. I was wrong. I will save you all the boring details of my high school life. Let's simply put it this way: Whenever I raise my hand to answer the teacher's question, I get slapped down by snide comments like, "epal, epal" or some other stuff to that effect. It was really traumatizing. I didn't know that I could talk in public anymore. I was bullied. They would take my lunch, or trip me while I'm reading a book. I can't spend my lunch break with them, so I just go straight to the library, or worse, in the biology lab just to hide.

When I was 14, I received my worst beating from my dad. I didn't know what happened or what I did wrong back then. I was sleeping already when he woke me up. He told me to go straight to the study. He closed the door and started screaming at me. I honestly didn't get everything he said except for some words like, "supposed to be teaching them!" ... hm.. and then he threw this folder at me and started punching me like crazy. I don't know kung-fu, mind you, but I did watch T.V. and for that I am grateful, because I managed to bring my arms up to protect my head. When adrenaline was pumping up my body, I managed to push him. Now, this is a great feat, because my dad is quite a bulky guy. He used to be a junkyard worker back in the days, for Christ's sake! I stood up, opened the door, ran up the stairs and into my parents' room looking for my mom. I just stood there, shocked, and looked at my mom. I didn't realize that tears were rolling down my face. And she said this, "that's what you get for making your dad angry."

That fateful day gave me my resolve: I started smoking. No peer pressure. Just family pressure. I still haven't given up smoking to this day. It makes me calm, and yes, it's also killing me. But I really don't care much about life anymore.

2 years came and went, and I stepped into a college. It was a whole different ball game. People weren't uptight; they weren't judgmental. They were... kind and caring... Unlike the nightmare that I've had with my family and high school classmates. Before we go on with my story, YES I HATE MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASSMATES, NO EXCEPTIONS.

1st and 2nd year college were spent drinking the night away. And even if we had classes, we'd slip out of the room and go to the nearest bar and drink. "Cutting classes" is what I think you call it, right? But then, we'd go back in school, drunk. Other people would have cigarrette breaks, we had beer breaks. Surprisingly enough, we never got apprehended. Oh, I'm pretty sure they know that we're drunk. Hahaha! Seems funny now, but we were really nervous as hell back then!

Then there came a time when, I think it was on 2nd year college, we would even drink in the morning...

3rd year college was also spent drinking, till 4th year college.

4th year college was really different though. That's when I started to smoke weed and drop Valiums. Wow. I would wake up in this strange place, which would turn out to be my best friend's room. And I was already changed... So imagine that: weed, Valiums and more beer! It was a crazy time, I tell you. I almost got my driver's lisence revoked because of that, you know... because I failed the required drug test. I had to pay a hundred bucks to fix it. -_-"

So here's the lesson of that particular story: coconut juice, tons of water and cranberry juice does NOT WORK!

And so there I was, graduating in our beloved University without a care in the world. Sex, drugs and rock n' roll (in my case, however, trance music) were the essential parts of my life. As the Eagles had put it: "Life in the fast lane." Those were the times...

Graduation came. There were sobs and laughs. But not for long.

There was no room for drama in my life after my college life. I was known as a workaholic. There would be bouts of mania, which would include heavy drinking binge, drugs and, of course, uncountable cigarrettes and more uncountable one night stands. It would last for 2 months at the most, and then, back to making more money, which I would spend for my enjoyment. It seemed as if Quezon City was Babylon at that time. Crazy crazy times.

One fateful night, however, I got caught. Have you ever tried hiding in your mom's garden? I did. GOD. It was really bad. I don't even want to remember it. (but then I'm writing it down here... how contradicting)

My mom confronted me the next day. And as fast as she gave the sermon, I flew to Cebu, alone. I stayed for 3 days there and got to thinking. I imagined that my tito was with me and that we were having coffee on the beach front. The seagulls were flying and crying as the sun rose. I was sipping coffee, while my parents were very frantic in Manila searching for me like crazy in every Starbucks they every built there. But I swear to God, if I have another chance to do that again (except for my parents going crazy back here in Manila) I would.

I don't know with most people that enjoys sunsets. I simply love the sunrise. The sky is in a different tone.

I took the first flight out of Manila, which was... I think around 4 a.m.? And when the airplane was rushing the runway and slamming my body hard against the seat, I felt as if a part of me was left back in the airport. Everything was behind me and it felt good. I touched down Cebu and looked for a cab. The first thing I asked was to take me to some backpackers' hotel. After setting my things there, I immediately grabbed my money and went to the beach. I was sipping coffee. The sun was just about to rise then. And then I saw it: the light striking down the sea with the silhouettes of the birds (I'm not really sure what kind was it). It was beautiful. And when the wind would sweep my hair, it seems as if Tito was gently brushing it aside and telling me to act more like a lady. I just can't help myself but smile.

Mind you, I still got drunk for the 3 days that I was there, non-stop, while jumping from one beach to another. I even went island-hopping. The islands are so beautiful. They seemed so innocent. I was innocent, too... before drugs, alcohol and all those fucked up things that I did, changed me. And I got thinking, should I go back?

And I went back.
Biggest mistake ever.

There weren't any changes at all. My parents would never get me, therefore, I left our house again. This time, to live in Kamuning, Q.C. and work in a call center. It didn't last long. When my boyfriend left me, I crashed big time.

I took 300 tablets of 10 mg Valiums with two bottles of warm beer.

While I was crashing, I called my dad's secretary. I told her what I did. Before I could come to, I was already in the hospital, weighing in. That was life-changing. For two months, I did nothing but detoxify, play scrabble and monopoly, write, read and, unfortunately, eat.

When I got out, I was still drugged-up with those anti-depressant drugs that they give me, which I still need to take after getting out of that hell hole. I was scared to face the world. I was even scared to get out of my room and see other people. For three more months, I stayed like that. My parents were planning to send me off to Beijing in a boarding school. When we went there to visit my grandpa and check out the school on the way, I got all weird. I didn't like the idea of getting separated from my family... NOT THIS FAR!

So, again, I left our family on New Year's Eve, bringing nothing but my backpack. I didn't want to look back. I didn't want to see them again.

I went to live with a friend for a while. I worked for this sardines company and my old batchmate from UST helped me get in there. I started living clean. Not even a bottle of beer. Just cigarrettes. I resented people doing drugs. I stopped taking my medication and tried to live a normal life. And, to my amazement, it was working!

I quit my job there to work for this Korean company in Ortigas. Now, I can drink without getting all depressed and I went back to my family. They were happy that I was back after 8 months of absence. And I am quite happy, too, to see them again.

Up to this day, I had only smoked half a stick of joint after 10 months of abstinence. I drink moderately and still smoke excessively.

I have still yet to fall in love. ^_^

ME

2008-10-12T23:34:00.002+08:00

I fancied myself as a writer of some sort before. This is one of the first pieces I made. It still amazes me that I used to write like this.. before the drugs took over my being. Well, if you'd understand this, then... I guess you've just seen a part of my soul.

Me

I walk straight ahead.
Took my time.
Footsteps followed me.
Cold claws grope at my shoulders.
A shudder shot through, a tear broke.
Above, heaven's hands held out.
I bowed and stood still.
A ghost of a smile came and went.
A line traced my spine.
I reached hurriedly.
Too late.
A spear stabbed through my heart.
I watched as I bled, as heaven disappeared.
I stooped down, immobile.
Demons clawed my body.
Salvation is far.
Darkness stayed overhead.
Rain dropped.
A puddle formed.
The demons became visible:
Horns, tails, claws and fangs.
My eyes were pale,
yet I see them in familiar sight.
I saw them as me.

confusing thoughts - origin

2008-10-12T23:32:00.000+08:00

My friend wrote this - amazing isn't it?

I can’t sleep.
Perhaps insomnia isn’t a very good term for it. From my understanding, insomnia is a sickness, perhaps of psychological origins, and I am sure mine isn’t. This is a byproduct of too much adrenaline coupled with an overactive imagination.
Moonlight and shadows pools together upon the maroon carpet, lending an ethereal glow to my sparse bedroom. The radio at the corner is a black box in the gloom, crooning out jazz- I think it’s Acoustic Alchemy, but I’m not sure and the plaintative notes of f the saxophone and guitar are intoxicating. I stare up the ceiling, watching the branches of the tree outside twine with the light from the streetlamp. The blankets pool beneath me, pillows strewn haphazardly around the bed, and my own body bent in a crooked but comfortable position.
I hear a knock outside, on my front door. It breaks my reverie.
I debate for a moment with myself if I ought to rise and answer the door. A quick glance at the digital clock on the floor reveals that it’s 2:46 in the morning. Perhaps I should just allow whoever it is to knock the door down….
And yet I rise from the bed-mattress, actually, as I do not have the luxury of owning a bed frame – ignoring the fact that I am clad simply in my oldest cotton t-shirt that barely skims the top of my knees. I open my bedroom door and pad silently down the short hallway towards the front door of my apartment. For a moment, I paused, my hand on the deadbolt.
Why am I not afraid?
And I slowly pull the chain of the deadbolt, flick back the lock on the doorknob, and slowly pull my door open.
He stands there, almost merging into the shadows of the dimly lit corridor. I do not look into his eyes, and yet I am certain that they are hazel- not brown, for that word cannot describe the mixture of autumn and gold in his eyes. He is clad in a black jacket and jeans, with a white shirt peeking from underneath the jacket. Dark hair flops upon his forehead, untamed and yet falling into its own natural position. His face is boyish, almost innocent, but it is his eyes – when I raise my gaze to meet his, his eyes strike me as old. These are the eyes of an ancient, an old soul, a shaman. The eyes that hold the keys of a universe.
I step back and allow him to enter.
He looks bewildered that I have simply accepted his presence. Why shouldn’t I always be room for regret?
He steps into the apartment, his eyes drinking in every detail of the room. I lead him to my bedroom and close and lock the door.
He sheds his jacket, leaving it a crumpled heap upon the hardwood floor, to be swallowed up by the shadows. Next goes the shoes and socks, and he pads barefoot towards the mattress. I have already preceded him, and sit upon the paisley armoire near the window. I know the light is behind me, so he cannot see my face, only my form. I sit curled up upon this antique piece of furniture, one leg pulled up with my hands clasped around my knee, the other dangling a few inches from the ground.
He positions himself upon the edge of the mattress, in front of me. His upturned face catches the moonlight, and his eyes drink in the silver of the moon. I am fascinated by his movements, how he flexes his hands, how he plants his feet firmly upon the ground, his elbows resting upon his knees. He is of average height and medium built, and I know he finds it hard to sit upon the floor because of his built. I like him just the way he is.
The silence stretches on interminably. The saxophone and the guitar are replaced by the piano, a haunting tune reminiscent of open moors and dew-covered fields.
“Why are you here?” I ask quietly.
“I wanted to see you again.” His answer is honest, sincere, and I have no reason to doubt his heart. “I missed you.”
”I thought you said that you would let me go.”
”I did, but…” A heavy pause. “I made a mistake.”
“Everybody does,” I told him. “It’s part of being human. We are fallible beings; therefore we make mistakes. The question is: “have we learned something from our mistakes?”
“Have you?” He asked.
“Have you?”
Another stretch of silence. “I missed you. Isn’t that enough?”
”No.”
“Well, then what do you want?” He is already getting irritated, here he is trying to get back on my good graces and all I do is shoot him down. “To get down on my knees and beg for forgiveness? Is that what you want from me?”
I shake my head. “No, no, no… That would be undermining your dignity. I simply want to know if you’ve learned something from the time you said that we were through and this time.”
He sighs heavily. “This is unfair.”
“Life is unfair,” I say. “It’s what you make of that unfairness that shows the world what kind of character you have.”
He glances up at me again. “Where did you learn all of this?” he asks, not without a hint of a smile upon his full lips.
I match his smile. “I had a very good teacher.”
“I wish I could’ve met him.”
“You have.”
This time, the silence is comfortable, punctuated only by the rhythm-and-blues that issued softly from the radio speakers. It is he who breaks the silence this time.
”I have learned something,” he says slowly. I know that he is serious now, and I remain quiet and listened. “From the time that we were apart- almost a year ago.” He keeps his head lowered, and his fingers unconsciously twist the simple golden band upon the fourth finger of his left hand.
“I learned that I didn’t care about the dictates of society anymore, that I didn’t care what my colleagues or my family would think. All I knew is that I was nothing- I am nothing without you, and to hell with the rest of the world.”
“And what about the university?” I asked quietly. “How do they feel about their favorite professor and their errant little scholar?”
“I have a hearing tomorrow with the school board, and they will decide upon my career – If I still have the right to become a teacher.” He says all of this steadily, but the fire is there, and I am warmed by it. But I need to know for sure.
“So you will jeopardize your career in favor of me?”
“Yes.” That is a definitive.
I remain silent, but I believe the smile says it all.

My birthday...

2008-10-12T23:31:00.000+08:00

The fast beat of the jazz song booming in my stereo woke me up. It was Michael Buble’s “Down with Love.” Head throbbing from the sudden wake-up call, I gently massaged my head. Looking up on the wall clock that hung in front of me, I realized it was only four-thirty in the morning. I swung down my bed and stared at the red carpet beneath my feet. It’s going to be a long day. Standing up, I scratched my head and looked at the calendar… October 9th… it suddenly hit me what’s today. The soft pitter-patter of rain caught my attention and I slowly headed for the window sill. I sighed. My breath still stunk with cigarette smoke. I unplugged my cell phone from the charger. The wallpaper stared right back at me. Nobody texted or called. I put it back down. I rounded my bed and went in the bathroom. After turning the shower on, I stripped down naked in front of the mirror. I stared unblinkingly at my figure in the mirror. “Happy Birthday,” she said.

A Love Letter

2008-10-12T23:29:00.000+08:00

A Love Letter

You make me feel
as if I've never been hurt
as if I've never cried
You make me realize
that this world is not cruel
that this heart could love
It takes time
to trust
to understand
to know
to love
Yet, I jumped
even if I thought I'd fall
because I never felt so alive
never felt so human
I wept
I died
so many times
But since you
I discovered
It's not how many times I've wept
nor how many times I've died
it's how many times I've been happy
and how many times I've lived again

Ever since that fateful day
when you held my hand
and told me that you love me
your eyes... told me a different story:
that there's hope in this world
Live and let live
love and be true
Know yourself
and change for yourself
Be a better person
Life is cruel, yet we should not look at it that way
Smile, and be happy
for I will be here for you

Love and Trust...
what deep words!
But even if difficulty lies ahead
I'd still try to dig
with my bare hands.

As I've said before
I'd move heaven and earth
And even if I'd need to move myself
even if nothing's returned
I'd still love you, always.

But aside all this
I'm afraid
that there will come a time that I will hurt you
even if not deliberate
When the time comes,
please do not forget
to look at the sky
The beauty and pureness of it
For that is how I love you
I cannot promise you forever
yet I could promise you my heart.
Remember that.

Afterlife

2008-10-12T23:28:00.000+08:00

Afterlife

How I wish you're here with me

I remember

We’d walk hand in hand
Side by side
I'm content even if we don't speak
Having you so near
Makes my weary soul calm

And when I dream at night

I see your face lights up
as the sun rises
You took time to watch the new dawn
Tucked your hair on your ear
And slowly drank the morning

I knew you're gone yet didn't care

You took my hand and smiled
I didn't want to wake up for this fantasy would all end
The cruel world seemed so beautiful now.

But now it seemed so long ago

The time you swept my hair away from my face
Your forehead touches mine
And told me life's kind
For it made us meet, my sweet

You left me

When the sun sets
And the lights go out on the streets
I walked by the sidewalk
And tried to remember the past long gone
Tears fell as my hand sought yours that are already gone

Yet made me remember

And a nearby radio played our song
As though you were telling me all over again

be strong

That life's kind...
For it made us meet somehow, even if we weren't together for long
Even if time was cut short
For your words still echo in my head:
That the world's beautiful.

Love and live once more

And so the rain pours
I stood and watched the sky.
I caught my breath and then I smiled
Because, amidst all of the raindrops and chaos
I found calm...
For I saw you.

I love you

What the fuck did I do???

2008-10-12T23:27:00.000+08:00

I am restless tonight. I let it all go: all of those hard works of coping and getting ahead from my demons. Last night, I let go. I couldn’t remember the faces or my actions. But I do know for sure is this: I let go.
The night was exhilarating. Ever felt like you could rule the world? I did.
I let everything slide. I didn’t care. How fucked up am I right now? You could guess. And right now, I’m asking myself, why? I never felt remorse my whole life. But tonight, I am. I am feeling guilty. I’ve never had a guilty bone in my body. No, I’m not anti-social. I’m not a sociopath. I can function well… So far. I try, I really do. But somehow, demons would catch up – any kinds of demon. May it be in the form of bottle, tobacco, pills and so forth… I don’t feel poetic right now. I just don’t know who to talk to anymore. I know that a lot of people were counting on me – counting on me to do what is right. What I did last night was a far cry from that.
Did I do it because the guy looks like him? I’m guessing not. Right now, I’m trying to find excuses for the fuck-ups of my life.
Let me start by telling you a story. This isn’t an excuse. It’s an explanation.
I abused myself over and over again. Did you know that? I made a lot of stupid decisions based on impulse and I’m not proud of that. I will NEVER be proud of that. But I still can’t stop doing it. Why?
Another thing that you should know about me is that, besides being impulsive, I never re-read my works. But I am reading my gibberish right now – my gibberish since college. I was one hell of a girl back then. “No regrets” is what I always say. However, at this point, I feel awful and it all boils down to this question – Why the hell and what the hell was I thinking??
I fancy myself as being eloquent. I can get out of any situation that I dig myself into… but not now. Not anymore, I can’t.
I don’t know, frankly, when I started feeling. And, yes, I mean feeling in general. What the hell happened to me? I wish I can go back to feeling numb, but I can’t. This isn’t about love or hate. It’s feelings in general. I hate myself right now. I’m backsliding and I don’t know what to do with this. God help me.

There are friends, and then, there are "friends"

2008-10-08T01:21:00.001+08:00

I don’t know how many times I’ve been put down or depressed in my whole life. But no matter what happens, I’ve always found happiness with my friends. “Friends” is such a difficult word to define. I have lots in my life and I really, and honestly, can’t recall all of them anymore. (Maybe I have Alzheimer’s or maybe prolonged exposure to alcohol can do that?)

There are friends who would get drunk with you; friends who would free load off you, whether it be money, drugs or even social status; friends who would lie just to get on your good side. But then, there are friends who would stick around no matter what.

I’m talking about friends who would not judge you and see you as who you are; who would be a smile on your dark days; who make you feel important because you’re YOU.

I don’t know much about life, frankly speaking. I thought love would come from your family or even your boyfriend. (but definitely not your one night stand ahehehe) But tonight, I experienced a whole different kind of warmth. (I don’t know if this is love?)

Love that doesn’t judge, doesn’t expect or demand. Love that would stick with you through this crazy life.

I can’t say that I’m a poet (obviously I’m not) or even a writer (duh). But whoever experienced this, would definitely agree with me - you’d never wanna get down from this high. :)

This piece is dedicated to my good friends Carl, MJ and Enna. Thank you for a wonderful night. ^_^

FUCK YOU!

2008-09-24T03:17:00.001+08:00

Fucker. You remember the first time we met? We're both in a bad shape. Me, fat; you unshaven. Imagine that.

Now, I'm having problems with my perception. The only thing that helps me type this shit right now is the auto correction thing. It's so hard! Dammit!

I hate you and love you at the same time. I'm worried, yet careless, too. I don't know what to do anymore. My body hurts. I really wanna cry right now. Even my heart hurts. Oh God, tell me what to do.

Damn you for being so lovable. I can't help but love you... Yes, I love you. I don't fuckin' know why. Don't ask me, dammit. Yes, I'm kinda drunk. I'm tipsy to be exact. Fuck you. (I wish I could)

It hurts so much... My body aches. My heart hurts. Dammit. I wish I could heal immediately. I try to be fine with other people around but I can't. Dammit. What did you do to me????

the Dream

2008-09-23T10:59:00.000+08:00

I dreamed about him again. This is getting worse. I've been trying to push him off my mind for quite a while now... A while being 2 to 3 days. But I still can't help it. I try to refrain myself from texting him, but there are times that impulse takes over my brain.... I'm so... confused right now.

I Can Totally Relate to this Song right now...

2008-09-19T11:02:00.004+08:00

Chicane ft. Tom Jones - Stoned in Love

If you could see me here this way
looking backwards from today
Would you do it all again?
If I could roll it back to you
just like lovers always do-
I'm stoned in love, but not with you
-good love-
Cause when I'm feeling stoned in love
it's hard not feeling love
I feel that love is weighed in stone
When I'm feeling stoned in love

-good love-
Cause when I'm feeling stoned in love
It's hard not feeling love
I feel that love is weighed in stone
When I'm feeling stoned in love.

If we could wash the past away
Would we go our separate ways
or do it all again?
As if I can-
Is this the way it's meant to be?
It's stoned in love, but not with me-
Yeeaahhh....

You're stoned in love
but not with me
-good love-

(repeat 2X more)

Stoned in love-
I'm stoned in love
but not with you

(repeat chorus)

Stoned in love ...(repeats 7X)
but not with you-
As if I can
If I can

To all of unsatisfied people out there....

2008-09-19T11:02:00.003+08:00

I don't Know why - Moony

Never happy, not satisfied
Always complains for nothing
Hopes and dreams are fading away
It's not hard to figure it out
There's no doubt, you'll find a way
Live the moment, each and every day

CHORUS
I don't know why
I cannot see the beauty in front of me
I cannot...
I don't know whay
I cannot see the beauty in front of me (in front of me)

Now I see here
It's always been there
People like their simple things
Live the moment, each and every day

CHORUS
I don't know why
I cannot see the beauty in front of me
I cannot...
I don't know whay
I cannot see the beauty in front of me (in front of me)

Is it there?
Is it right there?
Right in front of you (right in front of you)
This is what you've been looking for
For a long, long time
Make it real, make it right now (make it right now, make it right now)
You've got to live it now

CHORUS
I don't know why
I cannot see the beauty in front of me
I cannot...
I don't know whay
I cannot see the beauty in front of me (in front of me)

Complimentary "I Don't Know Why" Ringtone

Ever felt like high school?

2008-09-11T19:22:00.001+08:00

God… I feel like I’m a high school student right now. Remember what I said about love? Dammit… I think I’m bit again.

I see your face every time I close my eyes. I can feel you near me even if you’re so far away.

Fuck this unconditional love… <—- This is what I used to say.

Dammit. <-- can’t stop cursing…

I try to walk away, but I can’t. *sigh*

... there are no words to describe what I’m feeling right now.
I’d be jumping for joy one minute, and feeling depressed the next. How stupid. Curse this feeling. Why can’t I just be numb? It’s just not right to feel like this… I want to kill this feeling. I just want to get on with being miserable the rest of my life.. God.. just kill me.

Cab Drivers say the Oddest Things...

2008-08-19T10:08:00.001+08:00

I had work yesterday (holiday) and got in a cab in the middle of EDSA.
Cab Driver #1: (snickering) “You got work?”
Me: “Just drive.”

This morning is the oddest one… Same place I got the cab from yesterday:
Cab Driver #2: “Where to?”
Me: “Tektite, please.”
Cab Driver #2: “Which one?”
Me: (shocked) “Ortigas, down on Exchange road!”
Cab Driver #2: “Oh...”

I Hate Mondays - Garfield

2008-08-19T10:07:00.002+08:00

I’ve always wondered why Garfield hates Mondays… Well, I found out the hard way that Monday DO suck. Yesterday was the worst day of my life. Why, you ask? Wow… It’s crazy, really. Here’s how it went (uncut version).

First, I got up around 3:30 a.m. and took a shower. I went along with my usual morning routine. When I was about to put my right shoe on, the cloth inside was torn. I still insisted on putting my foot in (because it’s Monday, and its wear-business-attire-or-get-a-warning day). So there. I got my blazer and went out the house. And it was blazing hot.... Even for an early morning. I silently cursed myself. When I was already at the gate, a block away from the house, I realized one thing: I forgot to bring my cigarettes. Great.

I got to the highway and got in an ordinary, non-air conditioned, leather-seated-but-we-have-wooden-backrest bus. Thank goodness the windows were open… or so I thought. I ended up having my hair whack my eyes into next week. Yeouch… When we got to Cubao, that’s when it dawned onto me: these kind of buses don’t go underneath the flyover. Shit, I thought, maybe I could just get off “near” the flyover and walk my way to Galleria.

Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to get my glasses (yes, I badly need them, my right eye is closing in 200) and that was the cause of me asking to be dropped off in the middle of EDSA… dark, alone… with speeding cars in front of me… Fortunately (the only good thing that happened so far) was that a cab driver saw me. I got in and said, “Tektite, please.” He snickered. My head whipped to look at him. I was already having a bad day. “What’s funny?” He said, “you got work??” Jerk off. “Just drive.” I snapped back.

Thank goodness, when I got in the office, nobody bothered me the whole day. My shift was almost over when someone from FirstEpsilon (Leo) texted me. “Guys, we’d be meeting Kuya Aya at Metrowalk around 2:30pm. Whee… And I was looking forward to get my ass home.

Meeting went nice. After which, Leo, Paul and I went to Chino’s (near UST) to visit him. I got him the MP3’s he was requesting from me eons ago. I convinced myself nothing would go wrong anymore.

So, I rode the jeep going home… and when I got off, I heard a “flapping” sound. (WTF?) I walked some more. There it goes again. The “flapping” sound. That’s when I felt something beneath my right foot. The sole of my right shoe came off. Great.

Thank you, Monday.

confession... again

2007-01-13T07:12:00.000+08:00

i am obsessed by the smell of your aftershave; your smile that gets me off guard; your touch so soft and gentle...

i miss you so much. it's been 16 days since we've been together...

from page 16 -

"for aren't lovers nearly always innocent? They have commited no crime, they are certain in their own minds that they have done no wrong. 'as long as no but myself is hurt', the old tag is ready on their lips. And love, of course, excuses everything - so they believe. And so i used to believe in the days when I loved."

The nagging voice at the back of your head pulling you away... but the body is weak as the mind is fighting for the heart...

i am obsessed.

stay... i will understand you... stay....

i see that damned thing that binds you from me and it angers me... because i'm disappointed. i want to throw it out the sea yesterday... but i was afraid you might jump and retrieve it... for you can always do the impossible.... remember? I'm angry at you, because you can never be mine. even if you tell me how much you love me... and i to you; even if we made love; even if i know every little bit of details that surrounds you and encompass you; little things that we talk about, i take it in as an addict; every little bit of you i take in... you're a bad habit to break, like the weed's smokes that you do not want to let go, and for the briefest of all moment you feel light-headed: false happiness... and when it all ends, you throw it all out and curse at yourself for being so weak. but how can something feels so good be so wrong?

The cold milk just got to me... and you, your cold choco... are we really innocent?
do you feel like you need some time, on your own? all alone?

i could see it all going down... and down... and down...
the sunset was depressing... it signifies the end of another good day.
i hate you.
i love you.

'the affair'

2007-01-09T08:35:00.000+08:00

'this is a record about hate' - graham greene...

i hate. i hate the fact that you could never be mine even if you told me you love me. i hate that you go home to her every night after we spend the day together. i hate the fact that i even used my feelings to decide on these kind of things. i hate God for not giving me at least a month... one month would have been enough. we could have met soon enough, i would've snatched you away immediately. But i guess that ain't the case now, ain't it? and now... i'm making up for those lost times that we had. those 16 years that separated us... those 21 years that we spent not knowing each other, and leaving the thing we call 'fate' to bring us together... but a month too late. i hate. i despise.

i just need time to heal that's all.. maybe after all what's said and done, this is just a physical attraction between us? the private jokes that we share or the laughter that we used to resonate outwards or those smiles that we give each other knowingly or those quick catch of glimpses as we walk around the room we hoped nobody notice..? are those all physical? the times when we would finish each other's sentences or blurt out the exact same thing out of our mouth, or sing uncontrollably loud in your car...

i wish someone could give me something to forget all this. but nobody could.

temporary reprise is the only solution.

'id rather die or see you dead than see another touch you." - (maurice bendrix) graham greene.

i'm possessive. i could be obssessive. i could also be gentle and loving and caring. just don't let me catch anybody hurting you or, so much as slap your ego. i'd kill for you.

- batman -

loved this song ever since i heard it the first time..

2007-01-09T08:34:00.001+08:00

No More Cloudy Days
By Eagles

Sitting by a foggy winter
Starring at the pouring rain
Falling down like lonely teardrops
Memories are love in vain
These cloudy days, make you wanna cry
It breaks your heart when someone needs and you don't know why

I can see that you've been hurting, maybe I've been lonely too
I've been lost at your searching, looking for a girl like you
Now I believe the sun is gonna shine
Don't you be afraid to love again, put your hand in mine.

Baby, I would never make you cry
I would never make you blue
I would never let you down
I would never be untrue

I know one place we can go where true love will stay
There's no more stormy nights, no more cloudy days

I believe in second chances
I believe in angels, too
I believe in new romances
Baby, I believe in you
These cloudy days coming to an end
And you don't have to be afraid to fall in love again

Baby, I would never make you cry
I would never make you blue
I would never turn away
I would never be untrue
I know one place we can go where true love always stays
Ther's no more stormy nights, no more cloudy days

a summary of what REALLY happened....

2007-01-06T09:10:00.000+08:00

Pure by The Lightning Seeds
-----------------------------

night time slows, raindrops splash rainbows
perhaps someone you know, could sparkle and shine
as daydreams slide to colour from shadow
picture the moonglow, that dazzles my eyes
and i love you <------GAMBLE--XMAS-PARTY-- 12-16-06

just lying smiling in the dark
shooting stars around your heart
dreams come bouncing in your head
pure and simple everytime <-----CHAMELEON---PASKUHAN------ 12-20-06
now you're crying in your sleep
i wish you'd never learnt to weep
don't sell the dreams you should be keeping
pure and simple everytime <-----CHAMELEON---BED------- 12-23-06

dreams of sights, of sleigh rides in seasons
where feelings not reasons,
can make you decide <----CHAMELEON--EMAIL------ 12-25-06
as leaves pour down, splash autumn on gardens
as colder nights harden, their moonlit delights
and i love you <-----CHAMELEON--PIER1------ 12-26-06

just lying smiling in the dark
shooting stars around your heart
dreams come bouncing in your head
pure and simple everytime <---GAMBLE---STARBUX-WEST---- 12-28/29-06
now you're crying in your sleep
i wish you'd never learnt to weep
don't sell the dreams you should be keeping
pure and simple everytime <-----BATMAN---BATCAVE--- 12-29-06

look at me with starry eyes
push me up to starry skies
there's stardust in my head
pure and simple everytime <----------GAMBLE---9BALL------ 12-30-06
fresh and deep as oceans new
shiver at the sight of you
i'll sing a softer tune
pure and simple over you <------GAMBLE/BATMAN--515AM---- 12-31-06

if love's the truth then look no lies
and let me swing around your eyes
i've found a place i'll never leave
shut my mouth and just believe
love is the truth i realize
not a stream of pretty lies
to use us up and waste our time <----CHAMELEON&BATMAN--STARBUX-WEST--- 1-1-07

lying smiling in the dark
shooting stars around your heart
dreams come bouncing in your head
pure and simple everytime
now you're crying in your sleep
i wish you'd never learnt to weep
don't sell the dreams you should be keeping
pure and simple everytime <--------BATMAN---BATCAVE- 1-2/3-07

look at me with starry eyes
push me up to starry skies
there's stardust in my head
pure and simple everytime <---OPTIMUS:CHAMELEON&BATMAN--TMC-SGS-MKTI-1-4-07
fresh and deep as oceans new
shiver at the sight of you
i'll sing a softer tune
pure and simple over you
pure and simple just for you <-----CHAMELEON&BATMAN--9BALL-345AM------ 1-5-07

--- totally can relate to this fucking song right now ---

2007-01-06T08:59:00.000+08:00

Obssesed?

SWAY
by Bic Runga

Don't stray
Don't ever go away
I should be much to smart for this
You know it gets the better
Of me sometimes
When you and I collide
I fall into an ocean of you
Pull me out in time
Don't let me drown
Let me down
I say its all because of you and here I go
Losing my control
I'm practising your name
So I can say it to your face it doesn't seem right
To look you in the eye
And let all the things you mean to me
Come tumbling out my mouth indeed its time
Tell you why
I say its infinitely true
Say you'll stay
Don't come and go
Like you do
Sway my way
Yeah I need to know
All about you
And there's no cure
And no way to be sure
Why everythings turned inside out
Instilling so much doubt
It makes me so tired
I feel so uninspired
My head is battling with my heart
My logic has been torn apart
And now
It all turns sour
Come sweeten
Every afternoon
Say you'll stay
Don't come and go
Like you do
Sway my way
Yeah I need to know
All about you
Say you'll stay
Don't come and go
Like you do
Sway my way
Yeah I need to know
All about you
Its all because of you
Its all because of you

holiday and madness..

2007-01-03T11:11:00.000+08:00

----->>> best xmas gift ever <-------- i have found my soulmate this holiday season.
he's funny, sweet and romantic. he's such a great guy.
i love him so much.

holiday had been an endless spree of beer, coffee, smokes, and lots of smokes.
party, party, and party!

so what happened...?

well, my family and i went to tagaytay last december 30. it was a great experience.
very cold weather. very crazy family. we brought the new car: super grandia. we were mobile
for 2 hours and got in our great aunt's house there. funny thing this road trip. makes me wanna
listen to a lot of my "driving music".. even if i was a passenger. we spent a lot of time being stupid there and getting fat and before we knew it, it was time to go home... (aww....) but not before we went to starbucks tagaytay... :)

wish we'd get back there soon.

lots of contemplation and realization the few days of the year... there are so much work to be
done, i should know. i'm the one who gives them out... two guys proposed marriage before the end of the year...

but in the end.. you realize, you just want to be with someone who makes you happy...

love you, BOO BOO... :)

happily missing you...

2006-12-25T09:27:00.000+08:00

hey you there? *tap* *tap*...

i miss you.. thanks for understanding... we could get through this.. and we'd learn... i know.

i'm so happy right now i don't know what to write. thanks for forgiving me. it was the best
Christmas present ever...

hope i'd see your smile again..

- batman -

DRUM ROLL PLEASE: "And the Lines of the Year are!"

2006-12-25T08:44:00.000+08:00

REAL LINES FROM REAL PEOPLE

Several great ditch lines to crush your ego:

1. it's impossible to be us... so how can you end something that can never be..?
(pucha sakit!)
2. i'm not inviting you.... right? (gago ka pala eh!)
3. i love you very much! YOU'RE LIKE A SISTER TO ME! (hahahaha! GOTCHA!)
4. hey, you're alright... but you're really not my type.
5. oh my God! you're so cute! like, i'm soooo TOP nga pala... (puta! my best friends would get this! hahaha!)
6. you're cute and all, but i'm BOTTOM... (tangna mo! you just wasted my time!)
7. can we still be friends? (and then they never call anymore)

GREAT Comeback lines to those who CRUSHED your ego:
this one spells: B-I-T-T-E-R :

1. FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU!
2. ah, so it's all just a very very BIG MISUNDERSTANDING.. i see... so can we still be friends?
3. you don't know what great fuck you're missing! (puta sakit sobra ata ego nitong isa!)
4. you're BOTTOM? oh my! I'm  by the way! (acceptance is the first step...)
5. you'll pay for what you've done! i know witchcraft!
6. YOU are WAY TOO OLD to be my brother, BRO...

HERE'S YOUR SIGN moments :

1. in a gas station... "bro, V-POWER, Full tank." the gas boy looks at you, and smile, "Full tank?" "Oo, full tank." "V-POWER PO?" ... I smiled and said.. "ay, hindi... tubig."
2.   in a jeep.. my brother said, "manong, sa tabi lang po," while tapping the roof of the vehicle.
The PUJ driver looked back and
asked, "bababa ka ba? " ... my brother grinned and casually said,
"no, i just wanted to stop the jeep and take a look around before i get home. wait for me, okay?" bwahahahaha!
3. MARK LAPID said this in the movie: "TATLONG BARAHA"
"Oo, puno ng saging lang kami. Pero maghanap ka ng puno sa buong Pilipinas, saging lang ang may puso, saging laaaang!!!" i cannot believe he said this.. shet...
4.  after i had my hair cut very very short (boy's cut)... someone in particular asked me, "uy! did you have
a new hair cut?" I would've told him, "are you stoned?" here's your sign... x_X

realizations...

2006-12-24T06:57:00.000+08:00

i'm weak because i break whenever i do the right thing. i just save three people from a lot of pain;
although right now, i feel like shit, and went to hell for what i did.
hey nightwing, what did you do when we parted ways? how'd you cope up with your new environment?
i'm hating myself right now for what i did. i can't forgive myself... i'm even afraid to step out of our
house... what's wrong with me? i did the right thing.. but why is it this painful?

gotta move on.. gotta run..

i realized that i'm the type of person who cannot live without leaning on someone, emotionally. i'm
very dependent on people to make it. i'm emotionally disturbed, just like what nightwing have told
me.

chameleon told me that he was wrong when he thought that he found a very sweet friend. I knew i shouldn't have jumped into things... i couldn't help myself to tell him all those things.

I hate the fact that i had to lie to him just to do the right thing...

being right is just so under-rated right now...

like batman, i've already lost two partners: Nightwing , and Chameleon. what now..? maybe i'm looking for tim drake?

i'm just so fucking unstable right now... i miss you chameleon... i shouldn't have done that... i really shouldn't.
help me get past this thing...

are you doing this because you're thinking it's the right thing, too?
i smiled for 2 days... and cried for 2, too... am i going to get past my record of being happy, into being sad for a very long time? i think so...

maybe i'd be like the ones who cries secretly everynight...

help me chameleon... help me get past this...

fucked up...

2006-12-23T20:59:00.000+08:00

i'm sorry. i should have kept my promise but i can't... we should be good friends...

i'm sorry for fucking up. i miss you friend. why did i even assume such a thing... i miss you so
much it hurts.

we went to a bar last night... we talked about a lot of stuff... talked about you most of the time.
mike even convinced me its my ego's that bruised... we drank so much i didn't know how'd i
got home. after we drank way too much vodka in Rainbow Project we went to BED.

we hooked up with guys... my ego's so busted, he said, that i should look for an ego-booster.
since there was no other straight guys there, i hooked up with this cute bouncer. we kissed inside
the comfort room... but i broke it off... because amidst the madness, i thought i suddenly saw your face.. i just need comfort that's all... why was i doing those things?

why did i say all those things to you..? why did i even assume you'd understand or shake it off...
i'm still a friend if you need one, i'm always here... waiting...

i deleted your number in my phone. i know you're avoiding me. i get the message already...

i woke up crying... i cried half the day, played airsoft, and cried again the time i got home. i'm trying to convince myself it's okay.

i lost a very good friend because of my stupidity. i miss you a lot. i'm really really sorry...

i was spacing out in the middle of the game. i was seeing you all over the place. i'm really sorry.

i was thinking of getting a cap for you for Christmas. i'd design the logo myself. i made it last night while waiting for your message... before i went out and said all those things... why'd i even tell you in the first place...?

i'm listening to new wave right now...

i even thought i smelled your perfume just now...

i appreciate life more when i met you. i'm sorry i fucked up our friendship... you brought such positive things in my life. you taught me how to care for other people's feelings.... that i should think before i act or talk, even. can we still be friends? can we still save the world? we could, right? we're the best team ever...

hey friend, where are you right now? are you smiling? did you eat your meals on time? don't push yourself too far, you're not superman, y'know. wear your cap, okay?

you were wrong when you told me you're fortunate to have met me.

i'm the one who's got lucky.

i miss you... i'm sorry.

- batman.

---- it was a very very long long night ----

2006-12-21T14:52:00.000+08:00

echoes of the sun woke me. it's been 2 hours since i got home. Head aching from vodka and beer, i forced myself to remember what had happened;
blurry visions of the events last night gradually visualized right before my eyes...

i was lying, face down on my bed, without the air conditioning on and Coldplay's cd playing in the air. Pillows and blankets were scattered beneath me. It was as if i was floating, with the sound and the mattress. I blinked once... and got up. Time to get a move on.
Wearing jeans, a white shirt, jacket and a bag, i went out of the comfort of our house. It was already 9:30 p.m. He's waiting for me.

We met at McDonald's, and decided to leave his car there. Bringing both ours is just not practical. I drew a sharp breath as I saw him appear in front of my car, my lights were dim, but i could see him clearly. His usual cap on his head, causally shifted a little bit to his right, and those damned rubber shoes and jeans that are so simple they make him look like a boy. Funny.

He got in to the car and I couldn't help but take in his perfume greedily. Hugo Boss he said. I nodded and smiled, as if it was just a simple acknowledgement: I was, in fact, agreeing to both his scent and his prescence. I wanted to savor this moment.

We agreed to get some coffee first before starting our drinking spree. We went to Starbucks. Hot chocolate for me and Mocha Frapuccino for him. Funny. I used to have the same thing everytime. But this is not everytime. I smiled to myself... Or is it?

We went up and sat down the chairs near the stairs. We were laughing and talking the whole time. Although all those time, I feel as if my eyes were betraying me. The most important thing right now is to remember him this way. Rude interruption followed, as the guard told us to move the car back to make way for the other one inside. It pissed me off to end our conversation like that.

Moomba was the next destination for us. It surprised me how fast we got there, or was it just the conversation that got me adrift?

As we drank till the wee hours of the morning, my eyes still dart to and fro from him to the table and back at my shoes. And at the middle of the chit-chat that we had been crusing, he suddenly waved his right hand up. My head tilted to the side and asked what was it. He told me to cross my leg. And then the most eventful thing happened: he tied my shoelaces. I almost laughed, but thought this is sweeter than funny, and opt to keep the laughter to myself.

Most of the evening were spent in drinking and talking and jesting about our age and the experiences that we had through our lives so far. The drinking sprees that we had, college life, work, and love. It was a little bit awkward at first, but as the alcohol gradually coursed through my veins and into my head, I started to get tipsy. Am I ready for what am I about to do? About to say? ... I looked at him again... No.

The place was closing and we had to go to another place to hang out. My friends told us that they were going to the Formula Club. We tried to get in, but after more than 5 minutes of waiting in line, we went to another place: Off The Grill. Vodka was my last drink. I smiled and thought of it as appropriate. He had Coke. He was pretty sober. I was quite drunk. I need to go home.

We stayed there till 3:30 a.m. and parted ways after I dropped him at McDonald's again. He offered to have a convoy but I kindly rejected it.

As my car raced through the streets of EDSA, my mind did so, too. The angry music that was playing inside the car did not help, too. I want to stop, but I can't. My head was screaming. Cars and lights went by like lines of glowing thread. I could not see clearly, think clearly. I can't bear to lose him.

Fortunately, I got home alive. I texted him. I'm sorry. I can't be that strong to deny it. I like him that much. I could swear that he smiled as he read the message. As I read his message for me, I sighed... He likes me too.

We should be friends.

I don't want to lose you....

As Coldplay sang in the air, with the keys sustaining in my ears, my eyes closed.

Goodnight...

just a thought...

2006-11-02T20:44:00.000+08:00

i miss my college life...
all those drinking and smoking and partying and caring no less whatsoever
why i'm in the University in the first place. What a bummer... now that i'm
working it is as if i have no life anymore. Social interaction became scarce.. sigh.
I'm being sentimental right now.

i am penniless right now.. sad but true... hai.. it is as if my parents' life became
mine too.. how dull, boring and PREDICTABLE.
Though I find new things to keep me interested in our work, it's as if they just
repeat over and over...

I am very dissatisfied with my work lately.. my life... and especially
the size of my arms and gut. yes. I have a gut. not a stomach. dammit.
I hate this kind of life.

I would probably have a haircut tomorrow... fucking hair.

10-19-06 time to say goodbye....

2006-10-19T16:04:00.000+08:00

greatest voices: Andrea Bocelli. sexy. Sarah Brightman. hypnotic. Duet: Ultimately Incomparable!

Italian Version

Sarah:
Quando sono sola
sogno all'orizzonte
e mancan le parole,
si lo so che non c'è luce
in una stanza quando manca il sole,
se non ci sei tu con me, con me.
Su le finestre
mostra a tutti il mio cuore
che hai accesso,
chiudi dentro me
la luce che
hai incontrato per strada.

Time to say goodbye. -- Con te partirò.
Paesi che non ho mai
veduto e vissuto con te,
adesso sì li vivrò.
Con te partirò
su navi per mari
che, io lo so,
no, no, non esistono più,
it's time to say goodbye. -- con te io li vivrò.

Andrea:
Quando sei lontana
sogno all'orizzonte
e mancan le parole,
e io si lo so
che sei con me, con me,
tu mia luna tu sei qui con me,
mio sole tu sei qui con me,
con me, con me, con me.
Time to say goodbye. -- Con te partirò.
Paesi che non ho mai
veduto e vissuto con te,
adesso sì li vivrò.
Con te partirò
su navi per mari
che, io lo so,
no, no, non esistono più,

Both:
con te io li rivivrò.
Con te partirò
su navi per mari
che, io lo so,
no, no, non esistono più,
con te io li rivivrò.
Con te partirò
Io con te.

English Version:

Sarah:
When I'm alone I dream of the horizon and words fail me.
There is no light in a room where there is no sun
and there is no sun if you're not here with me, with me.
From every window unfurls my heart the heart that you have won.
Into me you've poured the light,
the light that you found by the side of the road.

Time to say goodbye.
Places that I've never seen or experienced with you.
Now I shall, I'll sail with you upon ships across the seas,
seas that exist no more,
it's time to say goodbye.

Andrea:
When you're far away I dream of the horizon and words fail me.
And of course I know that you're with me, with me.
You, my moon, you are with me.
My sun, you're here with me with me, with me, with me.

Time to say goodbye.
Places that I've never seen or experienced with you.
Now I shall, I'll sail with you upon ships across the seas,
seas that exist no more,

Both:
I'll revive them with you.
I'll go with you upon ships across the seas,
seas that exist no more,
I'll revive them with you.
I'll go with you.

You and me.

10-17-06 i was so wrong....

2006-10-17T16:54:00.000+08:00

Here is a picture of me (left) and my friend Al (right standing), in our hardwood real tree camo. Amazing, isn't it?

Why oh why...??? That day was so messed up. We were late for a very important meeting, my phone’s software crashed (still can’t use it till now), too early for our dad’s birthday party, had a flat tire (with a six-inch nail screwed up in it) at 1030 in the evening, and were called up on the way home to buy medicines. We were home by 12 midnight. Sigh. I now believe in the “Friday the 13th Curse”. Sometimes I fancy if my dad’s curse is in it, too, making it more potent for his children to suffer, especially on occasions such as this.

We played at MASADA (near Payatas) last Sunday. It was great. The weather was almost too perfect. A slight drizzle, heavy rain, and it stopped. We played the first game with a light rain shower on our head, but it did not matter. The feeling was great. It smelled like rain. Even if we were wearing a very thick uniform, we were cool in the inside. It doesn’t feel like any of our other old games. This time, we were playing in the jungle by the hillside, with 30 or more opponents.

With me running on the tail of the team, closely watching… waiting. And the whistle blew. Everybody ran. It felt great… even if I didn’t get to shoot anybody, except the marshal on the second game. Hahaha!

But it was so great! The site is great. I wish we could go back there sometime before the month ends.

10-13-06 what's happening to me lately?!

2006-10-13T08:08:00.000+08:00

Never thought I would post in my blog again, but as I always say, "here goes." hm... What to post about? my life as an Industrial Design graduate from UST. Not an easy task. Working myss off since graduation. wow. sigh.
I always wanted to be a designer... someone who works 8 hours a day regularly, and would carry her work back to her home (yeah I wanted to have my own home too) and work till the wee hours of the morning. but i guess my bloodline cursed me.

I'm working as a "triple A (AAA)" now. For those who don't know what "triple A" means, these are the people who are not quite the employee nor the employer. We are in between. That's when things get mixed up. We do everything and anything in the office. From stirring coffee to site visits to financial planning, etc. Yes. It is weird.

It's weird to look at some application form or make your resume and don't know what to write on the occupation section. It is also weird that it is your choice whether you want to be an employee or an employer for the day. Yup. This is the life of an "in-between". Hard being the boss's kid. This is my life.

Social life? what social life? That would always be the question of all questions that i can never answer. I always answer the question with another answer. And how I write right now is very confusing.

Sports. Sports-wise, i get by. Well, there's this thing called airsoft... ahhh..... how do I start? hm..
Well, my brother's been playing it for a year already. I’ve only been playing say, on and off, in about a month's time now. It's like war-games. Except that we don't use paintball (my team mates could easily dodge those) we use BB pellets. Yup. That's gonna hurt. I haven't been wounded... yet. But I sympathize with my friends whenever they yell during the game. HIT. Ouch! I’m trying to be as sporty as possible. I've applied for Muay Thai too. It's kickboxing by the way. You kick. You seldom punch. You always have your leg up so that you won't be hit by your opponent. The only thing I’m after with the course here is getting thinner. Yup. I'm FAT by the way.

Food. AH! Here's a topic I could write the whole day about. I LOVE Tokyo-Tokyo. Japanese food. ahh... eat all you can rice.... tempura... the sauce... everything about it, i just love! I hate chinese food though. I love pigging out now: eating pizza and watching tv. Potato chips and Playstation 2. wow... what a combination! This is the most exciting part of the day everyday! EATING! PIGGING OUT! SLEEPING!

It's my dad's birthday today by the way. Mine was four days ago. I still don't feel so old.... though i don't wanna hear my age. har har har. Funny thing, the Chinese tradition and culture: I really don't get it. Why should we eat boiled eggs and noodles during the dawn of our birthday? if somebody could just give me an explanation that would be so great. Coz I hate eating eggs. It's not the fats. It just doesn't have any taste!

Okay, now, i'm sharing my room with my bro's girlfriend now. Everything is a disaster. I hate the fact that she's even there! good Lord! Can't I get any privacy? My cellphone's contents become public knowledge. My personal effects even! I want to sue! And I hate the fact that we are even sharing my bathroom.
And she just throws her things on the floor. Laundry and stuff! and believe me, i get all the heat from my parents for not cleaning after her! They blame me for her trash! And the way she is at our office?! She feels as if she's the boss there, just because my brother and she are getting married next year December. I hate the way she talks because how she's so proud about herself and how she feels as if she's so great and infallible is so darn getting old. And she feels she's the VIP of this family. Not wanting to commute and must have me or my brother drive her here and there. This is just NOT RIGHT. Okay?!

I just wanna share my experience from the last time I posted on my blog to this day. October 13, 2006. Friday the 13th. Hope I don't get any bad luck.... hai.

men can be so ASSHOLES

2005-12-05T22:27:00.000+08:00

A LETTER FOR GABRIELA FOR A FRIEND.

MY HEART BLEEDS.

Dear Gabriela,

I would like to be an anonymous person who would like to express extreme concern about women. Women in the Philippines have been long protected by your organization and I know dearly that your people are concerned about the well-being of women, be it Filipino or other nationals living inside the Philippines.

I strongly believe in your ideals and passion.

I would, first, like to apologize for not being able to give you any specifics on myself; instead, I would like to give "specifics" on a dear friend, a strong woman and a helpless unborn baby. With no holds barred, I would like to be frank about her situation:

She is a 27 year-old Korean national and had good living before, in our country. My heart bled as I saw her recently in a coffee shop, waiting for a friend. She is 9 months pregnant, I think. When asked about the baby's father, she gave me a name: Jacob Clemente, 21, a promising solo artist (singer, already launched his first album, has his own recording studio and, as I understand it, already has a music video), University of Santo Tomas Student, studying the course music,

He promised her everything, when he learned that she was pregnant: a good home, an income for the baby, and marriage. He even convinced her to leave her work to "let her rest because she's pregnant" and PROPOSED MARRIAGE TO HER. This certain person, had, to my recent knowledge, imprisoned her in an apartment to prevent any suspicions and gossips. He said that it was to "protect" her. She was once left there alone, without food, for 10 days. She was crying because she did not have any food to eat. With her 8th month of pregnancy, he denounced his claim to the child, saying that "it's because she's a bitch, pok-pok, and that the child is not his, and that it was another man's". And now, with no money, no place to stay (because her sole income was from the job that she was convinced to quit and could not pay the rent anymore), and even no food to eat (her recent sustenance comes from her very close friends), she does not know what to do.

As I write this letter, she is already 2 weeks before her delivery date. She is clearly lost and does not have any people to help her. She is trying to be strong, but how can one deliver a child with only will and courage? She cannot turn to anybody anymore. Her parents (living in Korea) disowned her upon knowing that she is pregnant with an illegitimate child.

My heart bleeds for her.

The only thing that I ask of you is to consider this: a short letter, which I wrote during the wee hours of the night, for I could not be able to bear the weight inside my chest.

Maybe she was stupid. Maybe she was gullible. Maybe she was led to believe of a fairy tale with a great ending. But who did not believe? Why should she be a victim of life's cruelty. Yes, life is cruel, we must accept that. But who can stand for those who cannot defend themselves? Let alone, those innocent ones who does not understand why they were with the unlucky ones who did not survive life's cruelty? Who should stand for her defense? Not just her, but OTHER WOMEN IN NEED AS WELL.

I will stand by her through thick and thin, help her. Maybe this is a start. But I believe in the strong ones; and the strong ones standing for the unfortunate ones.

Please, be her voice to shout...

Hoping for a reply,

anonymous

112405

2005-11-24T22:24:00.000+08:00

how....?

how can one be so lonely? i'm lonely tonight..... why? i do not know, really....
my family is so distant and cold....
i long for a hug.... from someone.....

TIRED:
of the same old bullshit.. of the same old crap that goes thru in my life...

I AM:
tired of redundancy.
melancholic....
sad....
not alcoholic anymore....

HURTS:
two wisdom teeth got pulled out last week...
left cheek still swollen a bit...
weird looking lump... not a mump though
gum still bleeding a bit, too....

PONDERS:
why do i go home every night to meet the same people that ruined me....
and leave the people that i came to love...?
a cycle that goes on every day....

A WITTY GOD:
God gave me an intelligent, yet naive, person to love... and i love it very much
i love him.... i look forward into having a whole new life with him.... soon... we'd be
together... i would see him everyday and be with his warmth for a lifetime....

A HEART BROKEN:
yet mended once more because of my love for a person so naive...
untainted by the universal mess...
unscathed by the cruelty of my family...

A HEART-ACHING SMILE:
i did not know that winter would yield to summer....
but it did....
my heart warms up everytime i see the sunlight...

SUN RISE:
i longed to fall for the moon...
instead i fell for the sun...
what is love?
i love him...
the sun sets everyday...
but soon rises every dawn...
a new hope?

80205 abnormalities

2005-08-02T23:10:00.000+08:00

i usually don't do this, but here goes...

nakatanga nanaman ako sa PC ko.. dapat matutulog na ako eh pero may taong nangungulit... gusto daw nya akong mag online.. ayun...

okay... that's enough Filipino for one night.. even my fingers get twisted....

i miss my friend.... his mom just got out of a critical condition last week... hope everything's fine.. we'd be going on a date this saturday... hope it'd be a jolly experience.

i feel... hungry today.. surprisingly... i'm not depressed or frustrated for that matter... must be the lack of alcohol in my system...

We went to Navotas yesterday.. the trip was very educating... i now know how to go around navotas, malabon, caloocan and valenzuela.... and all the gas stations within the area...

We went to see some echo-sounders and transducers..don't know it? look for it! for my thesis, by the way... i never knew i could do these kinds of stuff.. cool eh?

i'm not an aspiring designer.. but an aspiring businesswoman... i want to own a design firm one of these days... hope that's not asking too much. lolz.

i realized that i could be a better manager than a designer... nope, its not putting me down, instead it's putting me in the right direction... cool eh?

by the way, my great grandmother died last saturday... i was sad for a while... because she's gone... but then, i remembered, she's in heaven now... it's better that way... at least she'd get to see her husband... and they'd be happy there together... right? that's why, instead of feeling sad for her i'm glad she went there already... it's about time too...

Thursday's the burial day... we'd be going to the North Cemetery to bury her with her husband's remains... i feel... relieved for her.. at least.. now, she's with him up there.

72805

2005-07-28T00:25:00.000+08:00

i think i'm dying... and being reborn again... today....

i saw my ulcer today... weird looking wounds inside my stomach. i'm sad... i saw a big blotch of blood in it... the doctor said it's okay.. nothing serious... oh well..

it's so wonderful.. how i get to be free from emotions... attachments.

today, i have come to realize that i am of a better race. the filipinos and chinese are very much different... we have different outlooks in life. i can never get along with them, even with my friends, because we are different from one another... that's why. I cannot blame them for being so distant already. I cannot blame myself, too, for messing things up: saying the wrong things, acting the wrong way... it's just that... we're really different. We're too practical and realistic... we have a more "future" way of looking at things.. somehow, they just don't understand this... they see this as being stingy or distant... or being stubborn or too traditional.. they will never get us...

we can never have friends, because we tend to betray them or the other way around. we can never let our guard down and trust anybody. that's the simple truth about being chinese.

most people will not understand that... but i do.. because i'm one of them. I'm Chinese. And for the first time of my life, i'm very proud to say that.

I'm proud that i have my family stand by me and support me all the way... i could understand them now, little by little, in their own ways and my own, we are reaching out to each other little by little.. and for that, i'm glad.

so, this is what Peter was saying all the time... he told me to look for myself... for what i really want.. for what i really need, for what my heart really desires the most. I've been running all my life from my family. But i was just going in circles. I AM CHINESE. i can never change that fact. I discovered that it was the most gratifying thing i've ever done. Acceptance is what i really desired the most. Accepting myself for who i am...

for the past 20 years in my life, i've been striving hard to show people how i can do things for them so that they could accept me... what i never thought about was that i can never be what they want me to be... because deep inside, i know, i desire to have myself accept myself. My own race, my own blood, my own family... i despised them all and ran around... i tried to escape. I did not know that i was just running in one place, i thought i succeeded at first, because i just looked at different directions.. but i stayed in one place.

In the end, i came into terms with reality. They said that you can never please everybody. It is very true... but i felt as if the quote was never finished... so, i would like to finish this entry off with a revised line: "You can never please everybody, because you do not know them all too well; but you can always satisfy your inner self, for you know yourself best."

+72505+

2005-07-25T22:55:00.000+08:00

i miss him..
the shared thoughts, the private jokes... the knowing smiles
it hurts... that i cannot even talk to him anymore

i could hear his voice in a distance... where could he be?
i turned around.. no one there...

was he even here? oh... my Peter...

i feel so sad... really...
even if i don't look like it...
oh my heart... my heart...
it cries...

but it's all in the past now... let's leave it

they told me i could only think about despair
and depression and hurt... and anger...
maybe i'm born this way...

recently i've noticed that...
i cannot speak well for myself
i find myself to always escape from dares and challenges
taunts and insults...
i just nod and go with them
i got tired opposing them already...

i'm tired... but i cannot rest... still...

070805

2005-07-09T14:51:00.000+08:00

070805

you can never tell how much time you could spend with someone
even if they are so special that you are willing to be with them every second of the day
my friend and i... both parted ways today.. i don't know if it's good or bad...
but what he said in the end gave me something to think about... and hit me hard...
No parting is good... it takes time, he said.

I wanted to get home early today.
I told my friend, while sipping my cold milk at starbucks, that i feel as if something bad
is going to happen.
it did..
we parted ways, my friend and i.

The saddest thing is that i couldn't tell him how special he is...
or how important he is.

In the end, i feel cold... and it seemed as if i am someone cold-hearted.
i cannot cry. i cannot do emotions anymore...
i could but only write on this virtual void where nobody sees, feels or hears...

Peter was right for one thing... he told me i can never keep close friends at my side...
i'm too indifferent for that... too selfish.
i can never bear to be hurt again... after 3 failed relationships... and racists for my family...
you can never imagine how it is to be with me.. or just be me for that matter.

i'm very sad... frustrated and depressed....
but i cannot think anymore.

i cried in front of him before.
i didn't know why. i made up some lame excuses..
but the truth is... something overwhelming came over me...
and i couldn't bear to hold it.
i wept.

now... i know for whom did i write the previous poem.

it's weird... i am listening to anggun's song now...
snow in the sahara...
i could remember listening to this song when i was in first year high school
i'm old now.. but not wise enough...
i miss being me... but i cannot go back to that.

i cannot succumb to every feeling i have.
i do think that three times is enough.

i almost killed myself so many times already.
Have i told you that?
Yes...?
I have scars to prove it... but i am not proud of them
i am so sad...

2005-07-08T15:50:00.000+08:00

070805

to go with your soul...
your heart...
but not your mind...
oh i cry...
i cannot look anywhere but up.

we shared the stars
the sky.

i bid thee goodnight, Mister Moon...
it is over for us.
the sun is coming up.

to feel without you
is not to live at all...
to bury everything inside the night soil...
oh! i cannot stop my tears...
i love you

this is goodbye, Mister Moon...
goodnight, goodbye... and farewell...

the fake japs in a certain forum: 52205

2005-05-23T00:41:00.000+08:00

52205

fuck... the mere thought that people are bashing me in a place online just gets my blood-a-boiling....the mere FACT that the person flaming me at my back is, in reality, a 17 year-old-kid makes me want to break his/her neck...

maybe it is the feeling of dryness that i feel in my throat for not smoking the past 2 days...or maybe the heavy chest pains i'm experiencing whenever i lie back...whatever it is, i feel cranky today...i'm sick, too... if that's ever a consolation...

why do i write here anyway? nobody reads these stuff....i have so many maybe's in my life... sigh...Right now, i'm wondering why am i posting in a forum, which, really, is extremely childish and boring for my taste? Is it because i want to indulge my friend whom had invited me? or maybe because i'm just plain lonely? Lonely enough to talk to anybody and everybody that could be coming along my way? They are a bunch of freaks, the lot of 'em... all of them liking anime, manga and japanese stuffs... they aren't even japs... i hate japs... shit... the only thing i like in this world is profanity, cussing, guns, killing, blood, hate, smokes, alcohol and my best friends... I know that I, myself, cannot carry on a conversation like most people do... But then again, I don't need anybody to tell ME that! sheesh... and 3 years my junior! how fucked up is that? Sometimes you just wanna flame the brat....

You carry on a conversation, you try to get along with everybody... they flame you... fuck that... You can never be yourself anymore... At work, in school, even online... you keep pretending that you are someone you are not... shit happens... yeah... but then again, why waste your time with them... but you cannot quit, now can you? sheesh....i've started pretending since high school... i'm stepping out of college now. how fucked up is that? I don't like anime, i hate japs... i hate posers, for crying out loud! i hate people whom they think they're better but are not! They think they are so cool! And the weird thing is, YOU JUST HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THEM EVERYDAY!!!! DON'T YOU EVER GET TIRED?!

Hope they burn in hell with spears impaled from their asses to their mouths....

2005-05-20T18:32:00.000+08:00

a school project

my summer @ 05

2005-05-10T23:16:00.000+08:00

During my past two hundred hours of being an on the job trainee for the Education division of Environmental Management Bureau of the Department of Environment and Natural Resources , I have learned one thing: Never give up your aspirations.

Aspirations: a simple yet strong word for us all.

Some may say that they’ve found out a lot, learned a lot, mostly academic stuffs… The thing is, I’ve found reason, and I’ve found every reason why we’ve been working our ass off in a government office just to achieve four hundred hours without pay. Yes, there had been some reservations in my part. I wanted to be working in a private company. I’ve been there. The atmosphere is better than a government office… To think that I used to see that government offices are below me. But, somehow, after one hundred hours of sweating and cursing, I’ve finally known. It is not about the grades, nor is it about having good evaluations from your supervisor, but what you’ve learned that you’d apply in your career track is the most important.

I read the book, Rich Dad Poor Dad. We don’t work for money, we work to learn. It is true that it sounds crazy. We don’t even have lunch money for everyday. I understood the principle now. I often get silly reactions whenever people would come to know that I’m working in DENR, a not-so popular department of the government, and the fact that it is a government office… well, one could guess what my friends’ faces would look like. Everyday that I’ve went to work, since those one hundred hours; I’ve come to realize that working in our office isn’t so bad after all. We just have to look at the right directions.

I work as an all around person in the office; although, I am really under my supervisor, Mrs. Carmelita Passe, which works for Sir Noel that is under the Information Section. I’ve found during my first week in the office that ranking, position, divisions and sections are very important to know. I’ve come to know this in a difficult way. Luckily, I have met some friends in the neighboring office: the Solid Waste Management Division.

My first week was tough. It was meetings and conferences galore. My second day was embarrassing because I was told to attend the meeting on the National Air Quality Status Report. I saw a lot of important people discussing about climate change, carbon monoxides, dust particles, and other chemical compounds, which I had never heard my whole life. I was to design the book cover and layout, which will be reviewed by, of course by my supervisor, our division chief, EMB’s director, Secretary Mike Defensor and our very own President Macapagal-Arroyo. I fell asleep sitting during the second half of the meeting. It was nothing to be proud of, really.

The other week came by, and we were asked to attend the Residual Waste Management in Camp Aguinaldo. It was a two day conference and open forum on how to deal with residual waste problems in our country. This is when I saw what I wanted for my thesis: bio-mass. There’s this inventor slash scientist that invented the green charcoal and uses natural gas that is emitted by biodegradable wastes to replace the use of LPG in our houses. They usually use livestock’s manure, fruits, or ipa. I managed to get the inventor’s calling card. He was a bit eccentric but he held a great discussion about the subject matter. I was captivated, and knew that this is a window to go into sustainable development of products or sustainable products for short… maybe even venture into an invention… I met a lot of people: Commissioner Tony Chiong of the Philippine Plastics Association, Ex-Secretary Bibeth Gozun , the president of Waste Exchange Program, a representative on HMR Computers, the president of Dolomatrix , Barangay Captain Bert Guevarra, and other company owners that I forgot to mention. My job there was really to document the conference. I didn’t want to go home empty handed. I mustered up enough courage to go to each of the speakers and ask for their calling cards for future references. It was a great experience. I managed to omit embarrassment in exchange for further information, knowledge and connections. Somehow, it was a very rewarding situation.

The upcoming weeks of work were what I had not expected: It was a slow-moving, snail-paced office, with busted air-conditioning, crab-mentality employees, which has a VERY POLITICAL atmosphere. And I’m not just talking about our division; I’m talking about the whole bureau. Somehow, people cannot get their supposed works done. I asked the ultimate question: WHY??? I pondered, and racked my brains out, even before sleeping. Why it is that people don’t have any work? And if they’ve got work, why do they go to the mall during lunch break and come back at three?? They kill time. They don’t spend time productively. They pay their electric, water, phone and even cable bills during office hours. I couldn’t help but feel guilty for them. I, for one, don’t have any work left, because I’ve finished all ahead of time, and the other jobs I have are pending because they are stuck with our boss because they don’t have the approvals yet. So, basically, we really don’t have anything else to do in the office.

The first day was okay. The second one was boring. I was looking for documents to collate and staple the third day. They did not allow me to do that, saying that people has an “item” here in the office. Meaning, we get to have specific jobs. If I do those things, other people won’t have anything to do anymore… It was frustrating. All I could hear in the office were gossips, complaints, and curses. In the brighter side of things, they talk about vacations, salary increases, and sick leaves. The office is quite unprofessional, no, actually, it is a MESS.

The third week of stay was quite colorful, though. From the third week onwards I found out that being idle is really an advantage. Our section’s graphic artist came back from the U.S. and we became good buddies. He taught me how to look at the good side of things: look at the glass half full not half empty. He told me that the more spare time they have, the more advantage they get. I didn’t get it at first, really. When he enumerated the opportunities, did I begin to look at things in a different perspective:

I could continue my freelance work, like before in Altermedia.
I could build connections with other people in other divisions.
I could have sidelines, like buying and selling to people inside the office or the compound, even.
I could use the library for research purposes anytime I want.
We have free internet access, which could also be used for research or just plain surfing purposes.

These are just some of the advantages that I’ve come in terms with so far. Working in a government office isn’t so bad after all. By having this kind of perspective, I learned a lot of things. People often gossip about government affairs, and complain on how and what’s happening inside the system, that I’ve learned so much. For example, I knew in advance that EMB’s Solid Waste Management was to send a notice to sue to different city mayors in their failure to acknowledge and comply with the R.A. 9003, or the segregation of waste, which I will not further explain anymore. Even other future technologies, which will be introduced to our country in the near future was even discussed as a common lunch topic.

I’ve also noticed that their attitudes weren’t what a person should have. I said before, never lose your aspirations. It was the greatest ordeal that a government employee, or even just an employee for that matter that they have to face. I felt that they are so limited in their actions, their decisions.

I’ve said before that my co-employees usually just slack off during office hours. I asked why, over and over again. And again, the answer was shed to light. The answer is that, even if they are a bunch of intelligent people confined inside an office, they are so limited in their work, in their jobs, limitations such as: budget, conflict of political interest, or just that people lack faith in the government already. I felt that way, too. It was a degrading feeling. You feel that you could be an employee forever. They slack off because they think that people’s perceptions about them will not change even if they worked harder. They won’t get a promotion or a higher salary if they had overtimes. They won’t have any incentives on projects. They are even afraid that they won’t have any pension after their retirement. They were once aspiring, idealistic people, which still has the power to shake the world. But they chose not to: simply because they want security. It is really a shame. They lost their aspirations and ambitions…

That’s why I will never lose mine. I will always keep in mind that I don’t want to end up being like them forever. I want to rock the world with my ambitions, achieve my goals and help people. This is not about money, or being greedy. This is about attaining financial freedom and living my life to the fullest. After all, it is what being human is all about.

2005-05-06T23:09:00.000+08:00

50605

I rode my bike last night.
I found it, freshly painted in white, sitting in our front door.
I felt as if fate has brought us together.

It was something of a revelation.
The wheels weren’t the only ones turning… my mind raced with them, too.
Damp air greeted me, irritating and dry, but I didn’t care.
Somehow, I felt free again, even for just a span of time.
I thought of how we used to ride as group on these very same roads. Every crack, every hump seemed so familiar.

My body is tired from working the past four days.
But, my soul… seemed to be so light… so easy…
I felt… easy.
I feel like I could fly.

I stood up the pedal and raised my hands.
I embraced the still air.

It was eleven-thirty in the evening, but I did not seem to care.
Everything seemed so possible.
Everything seemed so real.
I grinned.

I’m turning twenty this year.
I haven’t ridden my bike since I stepped into high school.
No, not like this: not with freedom.

I could see my path changing.
Blue skies, hot summer sun, long shadows and laughing kids.
The cracks are smaller.
I could smell the familiar cooking of our help.
We used to love to buy sodas from the house near the gate.
I still see their now old, rusted freezer in their garage.
The basketball court, that used to be our baseball diamond… I could hear our neighbor screaming their heads off because we broke their new window.
As I came to a curb at the darkest side of our subdivision, I see the “Baron’s Porch”.
We used to think that Baron Sengir will come out for fresh air during the night.
Kids’ imaginations.
As I came to a screeching halt to our front door,
I knew that my short trip to the past is over again.

2005-05-04T22:36:00.000+08:00

5405

I am filled with hate today.
I could not help but blame myself.
I hate myself for being weak.
I give in to emotions too fast, too easy, my mind cannot keep up.
I despise men.
They are scum.
I appreciate my friends, for they are my shelter.
Maybe I romanticize my life too much. I really don’t know.
I can’t cry, couldn’t, even if I tried.
I hear a familiar tone.
My heart breaks.

Still holding onto something: I thought I could change him…
He changed me.
I am now hate personified.

Hate… drives me.

I am grateful that my friends are here.
Yet, my aspirations are different from theirs.

I am now obsessed.
Success
Career
Money
Wealth
Power

My mind races now, my heart left behind.
I try to treasure my past and present.
Now, I leave them all behind.
I should not cry.
Yet, a tear is welling up.
Held back
Hate.
It is what drives me now.

Should not blame anybody
Knowing myself better
No stories should be made anymore
No blames
No love
No emotions

This is an endless pit of internal abyss.
No regrets

I will be honest with myself now, set my priorities straight.
I must obtain control.
I must have wealth.
I should be successful.
No room for regrets.
Be strong.

Pillars slowly break.
I am with wings now.